Solitude

The first time when I encountered this word, I was in the American Literature class @ IAA. I can't remember the teacher's name, and it's shameful I know because he helped me a lot. It was like an ordinary day as usual when I came in to the class, and then he said, "okay class, now, think about you are in your own solitude, when will you think about or do? and how this solitude helps you achieve anything you want?" So the class had 5 minutes to think about it and write it down. I am not sure when I put down, but it got me so interested in to the question itself. Because of the events, time, and location I was dealing with, the question gave me a power deep inside my body to actually go through all the possible feeling that I would have when I in my solitude. Indeed, these feelings that I would never face then or deal with them, and until the day the question was asked, I finally got to think about it.

Actually, whether or not the solitude is bringing me to happiness or sadness, it is not going to make me say anything since all the emotions come from the surrounding and the situation. Yes, it is the moment of solitude that gives me or us the power to really see how things are working. Once we are in the busy and complex world of working or studying or even something else, our minds are losing its direction. When we find the moment of we can really calm down and see through things, it is the moment that we are really enjoying as being ourselves. It is like a Buddhist meditation yet only in the mind part not the physical part. That is the peacefulness that all the human beings are seeking.

So, why should I bring up this word anyway in this particular moment? because I really feel like myself was playing by my emotion and people's reaction a lot these days. I was so careful about what other people think of me, and that made me feel really tiring to go on like this. What does this have to do with solitude anyway? Yes, I don't even know. I guess it will be good that I just throw out a word to show off my English!!! Ha, it is not the truth. The moment I am in now, I can't say I am in my solitude because my mind is so fucked up. It is fucked up, and now I feel lonely. Maybe it has something to do with the spring break because people are going out to have fun in a sunny and nice days, but I got stuck in my apartment watching movies and TV shows. Afterward, it is just how I fucked my relationship anyway. I guess I don't have a good friend here. Not even a one that we share the same interests and we can talk about something fun and on and on till next day morning. But, I have to admit that this is how I am that I fucked up my own life, so I deserve it.

This is the loneliness that I am suffered. I can't even make fun of it because I caused it. The truth is that every once in a while, I will come in to the same situation again until I have someone I can rely to. Do you think I should blame it to the horoscope that I am in because most part of it is from there! (I am just being irresponsible) Life is so wonderful if it has accompanies that can share and talk to; otherwise, everything seems nothing.

So, in the 2nd day of the spring break, I am gonna enjoy my own solitude that I have come to the end with.